By Marjorie A. Gordon-DeLee, MA (January 15, 2019)
In building a lasting relationship with the man that you desire to spend the remainder of your life with, we must have standards. That is, qualities in a man that we are looking for and if he does not possess those qualities on site; is he in pursuit of acquiring those qualities through his goals in life and self-development?
For me, my desire is to have a man in my life who is an intellectual. A man whom I can engage in any topic or subject. A man who is a great communicator. A man who is always happy and upbeat and uplifts me. A man who will not dismiss me (silence me) in the presence of others or in any way shape or form try to put me down when I am really feeling good about myself, but encourages my growth at the highest level. We must be best friends, partners, totally in love with one another at all times and not just during the times that he wants to become intimate with me (i.e., have sex).
The man that I desire must have standards as well and not be a woman chaser, an abuser of any female (physically, verbally or mentally), a bully, nor insecure about himself. I must know that the man in my life will always be there for me and never take the side of anyone else if I am in the right. Have been in that position before and have absolutely no desire to go backwards. Experiences teaches you what you want and what you do not want in a relationship; therefore, we should never settle just to have a man in our life.
As a man or woman, it is not good to be alone, but sometimes it is better to be alone than to be involved with a man or woman who does not value you as a human being, providing you the respect that you and I deserve.
There are eleven things that are more important than love in a relationship:
1. Trust (we must be able to trust the man or woman that we are lying next to every night and revealing our deepest secrets and concerns not to share with others)
2. Respect (we must show respect to each other and not try to embarrass or humiliate our partners at home or in public)
3. Safety (we must never do anything to harm our partner and be there as their protector)
4. Happiness (One of the most important keys to a great relationship is happiness. No one should want to remain in a miserable relationship all of their life just for the sake of being together. It is not help the man or the woman)
5. Liking each other (If you do not like one another, why stay together?)
6. Your sense of self (Never downplay who you are to fit into the mold of the man or woman who wants to control your personality)
7. Your independence (We all need to maintain our independence in life. To stay true to the person that we were born to be, we must engage in the activities of our passion)
8. Partnership (Partnership is built on the trust that you have between the two of you. It is a beautiful thing to see a husband and wife that are working together in sync as if they know the very thoughts and words that will be coming out of the other person’s mouth. That is the type of relationship that we should all try to reach for with our partners)
9. Sex (Sex is extremely in a marriage. Without sex, the man and woman lack the bonding in the relationship. Having sex once per month or every two months does not build a bonding relationship in a marriage).
10. Communication (A man and a woman must be able to truly express their feelings to one another without reprisal. A partner in a relationship should not be afraid of backlash, being screamed at, punched in the face, or even killed. Communication between mature adults expressing how they are feeling brings about solutions to problems within the household).
11. Wanting to be together (A lasting, happy and beautiful relationship cannot be forced. The man and woman either enjoy the company of one another or they do not. If you do not being in the company of your partner, the relationship is doomed and will end in a divorce at some point). (Newsom, 2016)
Here are some signs that tell you that you need to have couple counseling:
1. When you aren't talking. In all honesty, many relationship challenges are simply challenges in communication. A therapist can help facilitate new ways to communicate with each other. Once communication has deteriorated, often it is hard to get it going back in the right direction.
2. When you're talking, but it’s always negative. Negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling judged, shamed, disregarded, insecure or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Negative communication also includes the tone of conversation because it’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Negative communication can escalate into emotional abuse as well as non-verbal communication.
3. When you're afraid to talk. When it's just too frightening to even bring issues up. This can be anything from sex to money, or even annoying little habits that are being blown out of proportion. A therapist's job is to help a couple become clear about their issues and to help them understand what they are truly talking about.
4. When affection is withheld as punishment. My client Ann's ex-husband would get angry over small things and then withhold affection (including giving her the silent treatment). If one partner starts to act as a "parent" or "punisher," there is a lack of balance in the relationship.
5. When you see your partner as an antagonist. You and your partner are not adversaries; you are on the same team. If it begins to feel as if you are on different sides, then it's time to seek help.
6. When you keep secrets. Each person in a relationship has a right to privacy, but when you keep secrets from each other, something isn't right
7. When you contemplate (or are having) an affair. Fantasizing about an affair is a signal that you desire something different from what you currently have. While it is possible for a relationship to survive after one partner has had an affair, it's prudent to get some help before that happens. If both of you are committed to the therapy process and are being honest, the marriage may be salvaged. At the very least, you may both come to realize that it is healthier for both of you to move on.
8. When you are financially unfaithful. Financial infidelity can be just as -– if not more -– damaging to a relationship than a sexual affair. If one partner keeps his or her spouse in the dark about spending or needs to control everything related to money, then the other should bring up the topic of family finances. It's not unreasonable to say, "I want to better understand our monthly bills and budget, our debt, how many savings/checking/retirement accounts we have, etc." If your spouse objects, consult a professional to help work out the conflict.
9. When you feel everything would be OK if he would just change. The only person you can change is yourself, so if you're waiting for him to change, you're going to be waiting a long time. This is often when I recommend hiring a coach or therapist to better understand who you are and what you want. Then, if challenges continue to persist, reach out to a couple's therapist to learn better tools for relating to each other.
10. When you’re living separate lives. When couples become more like roommates than a married couple, this may indicate a need for counseling. This does not mean a couple is in trouble just because they don't do everything together. Rather, if there is a lack of communication, conversation, intimacy or if they feel they just "co-exist," this may indicate that it's time to bring in a skilled clinician who can help sort out what is missing and how to get it back.
11. When your sex life has shifted significantly. It's not unusual for sex to taper off a little after you've been together for a while. However, significant changes in the bedroom signal something is not right. An increase in sex, by the way, is also a sign of challenges, as it can signal one partner trying to make up for something they’re doing that they feel is wrong.
12. When you argue over the same little things over and over again. Every individual has trigger behaviors -- specific things that drive them crazy that wouldn't bother the majority of other people. This can include issues like laundry, how the dishwasher is loaded and having the same thing for dinner too often. The other partner often doesn't understand why these fights keep happening and what he or she can do about it. A therapist can help a couple discuss these issues and figure out what the real root of the issue is.
13. When there are ongoing relationship issues. Every relationship has sticking points or those big-ticket arguments that carry over for months without any kind of resolution in sight. This includes differing views on family finances, incompatible sex drives and child rearing philosophies. These challenges feel impossible, but they can be worked out and both partners can reach a reasonable resolution. Therapists help if both parties are committed to understanding the other's point of view and are willing to find common ground.
Most couples wait too long before seeking help. In truth, you are best served if you seek help sooner rather than later (Smouse, 2014).
10 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Exiting and Fresh (Morin, n.d.):
The excitement that stems from a new relationship can make you feel on top of the world. As the newness wears off, the relationship can feel like it’s growing stale. You aren’t doomed to remain in a dull and boring relationship, however. There are some steps you can take to keep a mature relationship fresh and exciting.
1. Keep the Element of Surprise Alive
Surprise your partner from time to time in a variety of ways. Arrive home with a small gift, cook your partner’s favorite meal or book a surprise weekend getaway. These types of surprises will keep the excitement alive and prevent you from getting stuck in a relationship rut.
2. Send Romantic Text Messages
When you’re apart, send romantic text messages to one another. This can build anticipation for when you’ll see each other again. Use texting to send short messages of love, admiration, and encouragement. Don’t be afraid to send some sexy text messages to spice things up. It is a simple and easy way to keep the romance in your relationship.
3. Schedule Regular Date Nights
Most couples go on dates regularly during the initial phase of their relationship. However, going out to dinner often gets traded in for sitting on the couch. As a result, the relationship can become a little dull. Schedule regular date nights so you can spend quality time together as a couple.
4. Verbalize Your Loving Feelings
Don’t forget to use your words to express your feelings. Sometimes people forget all those mushy things they used to say to one another once the relationship matures. Say, “I love you,” often and don’t shy away from words that truly express how you feel.
5. Try Something New Together
Participating in a new activity together can keep the relationship exciting. Take a Chinese cooking class, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or take golf lessons together. A willingness to learn something new can help you grow together as a couple.
6. Spend Time with Other Couples
Spending time with couples who have healthy relationships can be good for you. Look for couples who share your values and who have a strong relationship. It can help reinforce the importance of commitment and help remind you to keep the relationship exciting.
7. Establish Goals Together
Create some goals that you can work on together as a couple. It may include a financial goal, such as saving a certain amount of money to go to on a vacation. Or, it could include a fitness goal, such as running a half marathon together. Working toward your goals can help you feel like a team and gives you new things to talk about and do together.
8. Discuss Your Hopes and Dreams
It’s likely that when you were dating, you talked about your hopes and dreams. However, over time, those sorts of conversations can fall by the wayside. Set time aside to continue to discuss your dreams for the future and support one another in making those dreams a reality.
9. Ask Meaningful Questions
The types of questions people ask one another often change over time. Questions such as, “What was your life like when you were growing up?” often get replaced with questions like, “What do you want for dinner?” Ask meaningful questions about your partner’s past, thoughts on current events, and feelings about a variety of topics. Try to get past superficial day-to-day conversations and dive deeper.
10. Greet One Another with Excitement
The way you greet one another after being apart can set the tone for the rest of the day. Changing small habits, such as the way you greet your partner when they get home, can be key to a lasting relationship. Greet your partner at the door with a hug and a kiss and express your joy at being together again. This can start things off on the right foot and set you on the path to reconnect after being apart (Morin, n.d.).
References:
Morin, A. (n.d.) 10 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Exiting and Fresh. Retrieved on January 15, 2019 from https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-ways-keep-your-relationship-exciting-and-fresh.html
Newsome, T. (2016). 11 Things That Are More Important Than Love In A Relationship. Retrieved on January 15, 2019 from https://www.bustle.com/articles/160467-11-things-that-are-more-important-than-love-in-a-relationship
Smouse, D. (2014). 13 Signs You Need To Visit A Marriage Counselor. Retrieved on January 15, 2019 from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/marriage-counseling_n_5412473
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